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I Went to School With Ebaum

2009-04-08 23:29:48 by supuhfly8495

The year is now 2022.

A long time ago, back in 5th grade, I used to sit in class with Eric Bauman. I just realized, it's the same one that we've all grown to hate. Before I begin this story, allow me to tell you about my school days with him. It wasn't a very good school, and fights were a common thing. There was a lot of bullying, both physical and verbal. He was a pale, wimpy kid that always stole things. People's Walkmans would go missing, and no one knew why, until the day I saw my old Walkman in his locker. I had always avoided him in school, trying not to be seen talking to him. I wasn't really a bully, but I was fairly popular. However, the first thing I did when I saw the lost Walkman was grap his white head, stuff it in the locker, and slam it. He fell to the floor, and I grabbed my treasure. I then noticed a bag, bulging with lumps. I opened it, and found at least $1000 worth of stolen goods and cash. I pocketed the cash, and gave the other things away to the people that claimed them. The teachers soon found out, and I was assigned a week of in school suspension for violence. Eric was assigned the same sentance for stealing. However, I was celebrated after the ordeal for returning the stolen property. Eric became even sulkier, and kept to himself. He also had a large lump on the side of his head, which his long hair curled around. After elementary school, he went into homeschooling, and I never saw him again, until recently.

I was just browsing the Newgrounds Flash Portal, which my 16-year-old son had refered me too, when I came across an animation accompaniad by a song by Lemon Demon. It was a very old submission, but I was a fan of Lemon Demon's very old works, such as The Ultimate Showdown and Bad Idea, so I thought I'd check it out. The submission was called Ebaums World Dot Com. I thought that it may have been about a cool site. I loaded the animation and watched it, slightly horrified that this other thieving bastard had the same name as the thieving bastard from my school. I looked him up, and he appeared to actually be the exact same person. I also read that he lived in the same state as me. That night, I asked my son if he knew who Eric Bauman was, and he instantly started into a rant about his thieving ways and his recent buyouts of Somethingawful and Albinoblacksheep, and I was horrified. He told me about how Ebaum stole so much material, it was one of the most popular media sites on the web, and how the original hosters of the material lost viewers and went into bankruptcy. I became outraged that the same guy was still a thief, I thought I had taught him a lesson back in 5th grade. I asked my son if he would want to go talk to Mr. Bauman. He said yes.

The following day, we found his address on Yahoo! Stalkers and paid a visit to his house, which was, surprisingly, only about a half hour away. I pulled the plug of my car out of the charger, and started driving there. During that period, me and my son went over what we would say and his cruel history on the internet. My son told me that preps, which were now about 90% of the school, were especially fond of Ebaumsworld, and how they said Newgrounds was for posers, which just made me madder. Ever since my son refered me to that site, I've been hanging around the site, checking around the site, eagerly awaiting Pico 2, which still hadn't come.

When he got to his house, we were apalled. It was like a shiny beacon in the middle of a pile of trash. The economy has worsened sharply after Obama had served two terms. By now, people intentionally failed grades so that they could stay in education longer, rather than graduate and spend their lives in the horrible houses and the outside world. But Ebaum's house was so shiny it may have been a palace. When we got out of the car, I noticed a bag stuck to the rear bumper of my car. I got a pocketknife out of the glovebox and cut the bag free, then slipped the knife into my pocket.

We got out and walked past the fountain up to his doorstep. My son rang the doorbell. I was quite surprised when I saw the pale man with long, pale hair answer the door himself. He asked what we wanted, and we said that we had been on the website and wanted to have a chat with the creator himself. He gestured for us to come in, and he welcomed us as we sat on the expensive sofa. After we sat down, he remarked that I looked slightly familiar. I decided to just tell him and said, "I went to school with you in 5th grade." His expression instantly hardened. He scornfully said, "You?" "Yes, and this is my son." I pointed to my son. I immediatley got to the point. "I've been looking into your history lately. It seems like you've been stealing a lot of content, just like you did in school. Except these things are more important." Eric shrank back, and my son stayed silent.
"I'm wondering, does all this thieving, buying out, and hiring of expensive lawyers ever make you feel like an asshole?" At this point, I stood up, and my knife slipped out of my pocket and onto the couch. Eric noticed this, and he dived for the knife, flicked it open, and help it to my throat. My son jumped up and knocked Ebaum to the floor with a single punch. I snatched my knife back and threw it across the floor. "What the fuck was that about?!" I demanded, holding his throat to the floor. He choked out, "I never stole anything, animations are free!" "They're free to be viewed, not to put on your site, you douchbag!" At that point, a very old man stepped into the room. "What's going on here?" the old man demanded. "...Dad..." Eric stuttered, and then, with me still staring at the old man, Eric broke from my grip and raced to his dad. Eric then reiched into his father's pants, very suggestively, pulled out a short .38 Colt Autosilenced revolver, and pointed it at me. I almost fainted, and my son ducked behind the sofa. "Why'd you take my gun?" Neil Bauman asked, and Eric croaked, "H-he tried to kill me!" Eric advanced toward me, the gun pointed at my face. "Don't you ever accuse me of cheating!" he said, his voice noticably squeaking on the ever. Then, something happened which made me proud for years. He grabbed my knife from the floor, leaped over the couch, and before Eric knew what hit him, my son stabbed the blade straight through his neck. Eric was lying on the ground, bleeding and making gurgling noises. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Neil, Eric's father, reach into his pants and pull out a very short, regular revolver. As soon as I saw him do this, I ran over, grabbed a toothpick from a small dish on the table, angled one end against my thumb, and jammed it stright into Neil's eyeball. He started screaming and firing the gun randomly, and my son was shot in the shoulder. He fell on his knees, and I grabbed the gun from Ebaum's dead hand. I shot the crazy old man five times, and Neil fell down, dead. I heard sirens, and my son was gripping his shoulder and clenching. I figured someone must have heard Neil's gunshots and called the police.

The year is now 2023.

I had been sent to prison for 3 months for the murder, and my son had gotten a month in the juvenille center. I told the judge it was self-defense, and he gave me a small sentance, although I was still pissed for getting sentanced at all. I was sitting in prison, using the computer. I was now celebrated on the internet, and Albinoblacksheep had been restored from a generous donation from Newgrounds. Without Ebaum hiring lawyers and his money under debate, his site soon fell to lawsuits. Prison wasn't too bad, I was able to use the internet. I've recently been getting involved in the BBS. However, at the moment, I was playing Pico 2.


Recent Game Medals

Abducted 25 Points Get caught by a UFO Medal Stats.
Professional 25 Points Launch 10 miles (52,800ft) Medal Stats.
in Space 10 Points Reach space Medal Stats.
Amateur 10 Points Launch 5 miles (26,400ft) Medal Stats.
Strong Armed 10 Points Get punched by a banana Medal Stats.
Novice 5 Points Launch 1 mile (5,280ft) Medal Stats.
Acupuncture 5 Points Get skewered on spikes Medal Stats.
Jump Man 5 Points Smash a goomba Medal Stats.
Gold Star 5 Points Launch the Turtle Medal Stats.
Tenth Kill 10 Points Kill Tenth Enemy Medal Stats.


Total Medals Earned: 49 (From 8 different games.)